Why Marriages Crash Too Often

The rate at which marriages are terminated lately in Nigeria and Africa at large is becoming alarming. Nigeria is one country that attaches so much value to marriage but then it seems times are changing.

What then is marriage? Marriage is an institution ordained by God. It is a sacrificial commitment between both parties involved, in which both leave their former lives and come together to become one in a new life.

Then why terminate an institution ordained by God? There are so many reasons why people who have lived for months or years happily suddenly become tired of one another. Some can’t even stand the presence of the same partner whom he/she once took an oath with in the presence of God to be together forever in no matter the circumstances.

There are numerous reasons why married couples divorce; some could be on mutual basis while some are one-sided. Let us take a look at some of the causes of divorce in Nigeria.

Deception:

This about the deception that takes palace between partners. This could be before or after the wedding. Oftentimes you see men going to different extent to win a woman’s love. Some go out of their capabilities. This includes borrowing money, borrowing cars, even houses to impress the lady, forgetting that he can’t do that for too long. You can’t use all these to impress a materialistic lady and expect she will be with you when she no longer sees these things that made her agree to marry you. This issue of deceiving partners doesn’t mean it only applies to men but to both parties. For women, especially the desperate ones, they can do anything by hook or crook just to get married. Some women can go as far as seducing and luring a man to have sex with her, and later come back to him claiming she’s pregnant. As Africans, no man wants his child to be fathered by someone else, he then takes her to the altar and they receive blessings as couple. After delivering the child, what next? They find out they never loved each other, no connecting force other than the child that resulted from a night affair. They can’t seem to agree on some other issue and then things begin to fall apart until the centre can no longer hold.

Cultural Imperialism:

There is no gainsaying that cultural imperialism is on the verge of swallowing up our African culture. We have so embraced the culture of the Western world to the extent that Nigeria which is made up of rich and diverse cultural values is beginning to lose most of its cultural ideals martially and in other ramifications. It is a common thing to do traditional wedding which entails some cultural rituals and blessings as it were in Africa but then, so many Nigerians are now more comfortable with different forms of marriage which they establish themselves. Some even go as far as ending up with same sex as their marriage partner. This so-called same sex marriage emanated from the Western world and some Nigerians have adopted same sex relationships even though it hasn’t been legalised in Nigeria but they still have their secret affairs.

Some even engage in what is known as contract marriage for selfish reasons not minding the consequences of marriage.

Communication Gap:

Some couples don’t communicate well, they are not friends. They don’t open up to one another because they don’t know what to expect from their partners. Some never share their problems with their partner thereby creating a wall in between. The importance of effective communication in marriage cannot be underestimated. It is very important in marriage. Some couples rarely communicate with one another because they expect the other person to know it all. A friend of mine once told me, she couldn’t imagine telling her husband how to satisfy her on bed because she is shy and the man would think less of her but then she could tell me. She expects her husband to be a magician to know what pleases her but truth is, he can’t know it all. It is better you speak up. True, your wife ought to know you will be hungry when you get back from work and food isn’t ready yet, have you asked her what happened before concluding she isn’t a caring enough. Some couples don’t just relate well, they don’t complain to their partner neither do they correct them and expect the next time the person does same thing, he/she would do it differently. No, the wife cooked with so much pepper the last time and you didn’t tell her it was too much for you to bear but walked out on tasting the food and she on her part didn’t ask what the problem was, bet me, she’s definitely going to cook like that next time because she doesn’t know, you didn’t complain the last time she prepared it like that. Communication is key and helps solve lots of problem a marriage would encounter ordinarily. Therefore, lack of it can also cause breakdown of a supposed wonderful marriage.

Lust:

According to the online dictionary. Lust is a very strong sexual desire for someone. But when it comes to marriage, it is important to note there is more to marriage than sex, sexual appeal, sexual satisfaction and all sex related activities. A man might decided to go to the altar with a woman whom he thinks is sexually attractive or performs well sexually without considering other factors. There are so many marital issues that cannot be solved by sex alone. Issues like bills, health, house chores, work, care etc play an important role in every marriage so when one can satisfy the partner sexually but cannot meet other family needs, there is tendency, the marriage will not last. For instance, a man got married to a woman whom he finds sexually attractive with good figure and good looks and everything good on the outward side but in the marriage, finds out, she can’t cook, can’t do house keep the house clean, lazy, a drunkard, a sex worker etc. The man begins to lose it because he would find out that he is no longer deriving joy from living with a woman whom would do him and his future no good but on the contrary has become a burden to him. Then, he begins to lose interest in the wife and this could also lead to annulling the institution.

Infidelity:

This is a huge demeaning factor that crumbles marriage. The causes of infidelity are complex and varied. Affairs can occur in happy marriages as well as in troubled ones. Although the involved spouse may not be getting enough from the marriage, sometimes the involved spouse is not giving enough. Extra marital affairs could be as a result of addiction to sex by the involved person, it could be due to lack of sexual satisfaction from partner , resentment by partner etc but whatever be the case, the truth is that finding out that the person whom you wholly entrust your body to isn’t faithful to you with theirs, hurts so much. The moment one of them begins to see someone else, lying definitely comes in. The partner would have to keep lie constant lying to save the marriage or rather to keep his/her affairs a secret. The foundation of a successful marriage is being able to trust your spouse, immediately that trust is broken, the marriage now begins to go downhill.

Third Party:

Some marriages give room for a third party which isn’t advisable except it has to do with a professional Marriage counsellor. If you allow third parties to interfere in your marriage, it will never be successful because people will always have different opinion on how your marriage should be.

But when we start to relate our problems with our relations, friends, colleagues or just any person to come and settle the dispute in your marriage. They definitely will all have different opinions as to how to solve the problems but then the person you are running to might be as clueless as you are or even worse.

There is nothing wrong when an elderly person or your spiritual director intervenes but it shouldn’t be on every single issue. It is worthy to note that you can’t trust just anybody in helping you solve your marital issues and you should ask yourself one question, how successful is your adviser with his/her own marriage. If you leave your marriage at the mercy of a friend or relative, the person can therefore determine the life of your marriage.

Pride and Ego:

Pride is another factor that can ruin one’s marriage within a twinkle of an eye. A man finds it difficult to apologize to his wife after he has wronged her. A woman can’t submit herself. Some persons carry themselves with so much pride that they trample on their spouses emotions.

Upon seeing your wife pregnant, you still insist she has to pound yam for you whereas you can also do it but you wouldn’t because yo think the woman ought to do all the kitchen work. Instead of showing love and care, you retaliate and begin to preach the duties of a woman, and how its none of your business to do such things, because it is not a man’s job and doing it will hurt your ego.

We mostly allow our Ego and Pride to get in the way of just saying a simple “sorry” or “forgive me”, “please”, “thank you” etc to your spouse, rather complicating issues the more.

Lack of Orientation:

So many people don’t even know what marriage entails, why they should get married and the implications of getting married. Some go into marriage for the sake of it, some because of pressures from family members, some marry because their friends are married, therefore they have to marry too, some get married for the beauty of it, some only for procreation, some just marry because of the marriage proposal, some marry out of pity, some marry just to earn respect as African don’t accord much respect to unmarried adults. Truth is many Nigerians and people all over the world marry for the wrong reasons and in most cases, these marriages don’t last. But really, how can the marriage last, when there is more to marriage than our little or no knowledge about marriage.